A Drunkard's Chat With a Sober Demon
Антон Чехов 1886; trans. Michael Wasiura
Антон Чехов 1886; trans. Michael Wasiura
A former ranking manager, retired college secretary Lakhmatov, sat by himself at the table, and, drinking his sixteenth glass, meditated on brotherhood, equality, and freedom. Suddenly, from behind the lamp, peeping out at him--a demon...but don't trouble yourself, dear reader. You know what sort of demon? It's a young man with a pleasant appearance, with boot black horns and expressive red eyes. On his head, although yet unmarried: horns...a haircut a la Kapul[1]! A body covered in green wool and smelling of dog; at the base of his spine, a tail, culminating in an arrowhead; in place of fingers: claws; in place of feet: hooves. Lakhmatov, noticing the demon, became mildly confused, but then, remembering that green devils have a stupid habit of appearing to all drunk people, quickly calmed down.
"Can I speak with you honestly?" he addressed the uninvited guest.
The demon, confused, lowered his eyes.
"Don't be ashamed," Lakhmatov continued. "Come a little closer...I'm a man without prejudices, and you can talk with me openly...from the soul...who are you?
The demon indecisively approached Lakhmatov and, tucking his tail between his legs, politely bowed.
"I'm the devil, or at least, a demon," he introduced himself. "I'm earning my worthy rank on an errand from his worthy excellency, the director of the chancellery of Hell, Mr. Satan."
"I've heard of him, I've heard of him...very pleased to meet you. Have a seat! You wouldn't like some vodka? I'm very glad...well, but what, sir, are you up to?
The demon's confusion increased...
"Properly speaking, my task is nothing definite," he answered, coughing confusedly and blowing his nose in a rebus puzzle. "Earlier, certainly, we had tasks. We tempted people, seduced them from the way of good onto the path of evil. These days, between you and me, this task isn't worth spit. The way of good is already nonexistent; there's nothing left to debuach, and--to get to the point--people have grown more clever than us! Just try and tempt a man when he's finished all the sciences at university--the time of fire, water, and copper pipes has passed away. How can I teach you to steal a ruble if you can already snap up a thousand without my help?"
"That's true...but, nevertheless, you must be up to something?"
"Yes...our earlier duties are now, maybe, only nominal, but we still have work: we seduce classy ladies; we prod youngsters to write poetry; we compel drunk merchants to break mirrors...Of politics, of literature, and of science we long ago stopped interfering; we don't even prick those subjects...A lot of us work together to make rebus puzzles. There are even some who left Hell behind and entered in among people...They're retired demons, those among the people; they've wedded themselves to the riches of the marketplace and live extremely well. One of them is a lawyer; others publish newspapers; they're generally very worthwhile and respected people!"
"Sorry for the immodest question, but what sort of compensation do you receive?"
"Our prior situation..." answered the demon, "...well, that state has changed a little. Earlier an apartment, light, central heating...Now they don't even give us a stipend because they consider us all supernumerary and because a demon--his duty is honorable. In general, to speak openly, it's a poor living; ah, but to walk the earth...Thanks be to people for teaching us to take bribes, otherwise we'd have been finished long ago. We live on that income and produce sins for food. Well, you get it: Satan got old. Now, instead of paying Him honor, everybody goes to see Zucchi [2]..."
Lakhmatov poured the demon a glass of vodka. He drank it and it loosened him up. He told Lakhmatov all the secrets of Hell, poured out his soul, cried, and so endeared himself that Lakhmatov proposed he stay the night. The demon slept in the stove and muttered all night. In the morning, he disappeared.
[1] French tenor; 1839-1924
[2] Italian dancer; 1849-1930
(h/t LingQ)
Read the original here.
I've linked to lingq.com above. The site provides text and audio in several languages with good links to dictionaries and user hints for vocabulary building. I recommend it for anyone studying a reasonably common foreign language (no Arabic unfortunately).
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